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President General Colonel Japitty Cumquat is an Australian-Badu Parkian micronational politician, musician and entrepreneur, as well as the supreme leader, president and mayor of Badu Park. Japitty Cumquat also considers himself to be a five star chef and world renowned author.
Japitty Cumquat was born in 1974. He was raised in Katoomba but migrated to the broadway shopping centre, which at the time was abandonned, when he was 10. Japitty attended Killarney High School. As a child Japitty Cumquat was considered academically challenged but was talented at history and geography. One of his former teachers made the comment: 'its almost like he can turn up his intelligence at will'. Japitty was known to frequently pass tests although displaying no knowledge of the subject. At school he was actually quite popular with his peers taking on a sort of class clown persona. Japitty was known to the head faculty as a constant trouble maker and consistent truanter. Japitty had earned this reputation by doing things such as: causing fires in the boys bathroom, shutting off power to the school, constantly defecating in rubbish bins, stealing teachers keys, bashing and taking other kids lunches, throwing eggs at teachers, causing structural damage to the school, smoking in class and terrorising kids on the bus, as well as other. Japitty at one point had been suspended for a whole term for trying to steal a faculty member's car. He somehow passed years 11 and 12.
International Travel & First job
Japitty Cumquat took a year off in 1991 to go travelling. He planned to go travelling to Libya (Gaddafi's Libya) and Kuwait (during the Gulf War). He landed in Libya and proceeded to take photos of sensitive military sites and was subsequently detained by the Mukhabarat el-Jamahiriya and questioned. After realizing that trying to get Cumquat to give a coherent statement was pointless, they exiled him from the country. He was barred from entering Kuwait due to the fact it was an active warzone, despite his numerous attempts to pose as a journalist to fraudulently gain admittance. In 1992 Japitty landed his first job as an accountant for Westpac. He was hired because he lied on his resume, stating that he had a doctorate in mathematics (even though he can't even count to 5). He was despised by his boss who stated "Japitty Cumquat is the worst worker i have ever seen". Japitty was known for showing up 3 hours late, in a tank top and speedo shorts with no shoes on and use the toilet for an hour only to go back to his desk, do about a minutes worth of work (sending one email to his boss asking why it was so cold) and then going home. He was fired after about a month after he set fire to a pile of rubbish outside the office.
After being fired Japitty Cumquat was homeless, however he was offered an apartment free of charge by a man named Philippe Von Batman, providing Japitty ate the rats that were infesting the apartment. Japitty would later introduce Phillippe to his friend and ex work colleague, Hummus McDonnell, who would recruit Phillippe into the micronational community. Around this time, Japitty became fascinated with the idea of music, claiming it was "like smelling through your ears". In 1995, Japitty started a band called 'Japitty's Secret Diary', where he wrote "edgy emo rock songs" about his life in Katoomba. The band consisted of Japitty, his childhood friend and fellow micronational Cheezit McDaniels and Japitty's roommate at the time, Allan. In 2005, the band's name was changed to 'Japitty's Not-So-Secret Diary' after Allan reportedly read Japitty's diary. The next day it was changed for a final time to "Shitting Addict" because of Japitty's addiction to defecation. The band dissolved 3 weeks after. The band had only three songs and one mixtape, throughout its 10 year existence which are listed in order of release: "Katoomba", "Please Leave I Am Doing Cocaine", and "Add Adult to Injury (A Love Song to My Dearest Allan)". Add Adult to Injury was reportedly written by Japitty because Allan read his diary and found a note were Japitty described in great detail his disdain for Katoomba, and Japitty thought it would be funny to write a love song to Allan as a way to get back at him. Japitty never had romantic interest in his roommate Allan.
After the band dissolved, Japitty found an interest in classical music. In 2015, he pirated a copy of Fruity Loops 2 (which was released in 1998), however he failed to use it because the emulator required to use the software was no longer compatible with the new version of Yosemite for macOs at the time. He eventually downloaded Garageband and began his classical music career, writing only one song, "the Badu Park National Anthem" in 2018. Japitty has since been inactive in his music career.
Japitty's music career has widespread negative reception. He was never allowed to perform his songs live, however he usually forced his way into public spaces to play recordings of his songs from his iPod Touch. He was assaulted many times during these performances, purely because of the extreme negative affect his music had on those who listened.
Japitty Cumquat became the President General Colonel of Badu park in 2019 after years of living with Phillp Von Batman and Allen. Cumquat became the President General Colonel of Badu park after being exiled from Parramatta road for selling dangerous products, the product in question was raw untreated water from the Cooks River (which contained very high levels of industrial chemicals). Japitty Cumquat was selling the water as a miracle cure for every disease known to man. The water was responsible for the hospitalisation of the President General Colonel as well as the five customers he sold the water to. Japitty now lives in Badu Park, and assaults anyone who tries to go in. He bought his uniform off of Amazon. His rule has been described as "ultra authoritarian" and "largely ineffective". He is considered the most authoritarian dictator within the Inner West micronational community. Japitty has used his armed forces to repeatedly attack civilians, Inner West Council workers, as well as other micronational leaders within the Inner West.
Weapons Diversion Incident of 2020
Japitty has attempted to import firearms (one Japanese Type-94 Nambu and five bullets) from Pakistan (granted he did not do this himself but got is Pakistani friend Mohammed to do this for him). They were seized by the Australian Border Force and destroyed. The seizure of these weapons was dubbed "weapons diversion incident of 2020" however no one uses that name accept Japitty himself.
the Subway 'Incident'
The Subway 'Incident' was the first part of Japitty Cumquat's 'biowarfare' attacks, where Japitty Cumquat entered a local Subway and proceeded to march straight behind the counter (playing his national anthem) and proceed to eat and touch all the sandwich ingredients, and mix them all in with each other. He then violently coughed on a customer's sandwich that was being made, reportedly bringing up blood and tar (due to his smoking addiction). After this, he proceeded to go further into the kitchen and started mixing raw and cooked meats together and then assaulted the teenage workers. He then started to verbally berate customers and workers with his slogan "Fuck You Obay Da Laww", he then snatched a customer's sandwich out of their hand and wiped and blowed his nose with it. He then gave the sandwich back to the man. He then urinated on a chair, then started eating the chips on display and started a 'fight' with a drink machine (he stubbed his toe on the machine, and out of anger, started to verbally berate and physically assault the inanimate object). Police were soon called to the location and upon their arrival Japitty Cumquat was arrested.
the 'Sushi Train Incident'
As of more recent times, Japitty Cumquat was banned from a Newtown Sushi Train. According to an official police report, Japitty skipped the que outside the Sushi Train and entered the premises playing his 'national anthem' (he was asked to turn it off 5 times). He subsequently pushed a man out of his seat and proceeded to pick up and touch all the sushi, he then put it back on the train. He proceeded to eat a plate of plastic display dumplings and sneezed on a fellow customer, before eating the customer's credit card and left shoe. He then left without paying. He was subsequently arrested. He was charged with resisting arrest, theft by fraud and criminal disregard of hygiene standards, he was charged with the latter after admitting to coughing on most of the sushi as well. This was part of a series of 'biowarfare' attacks perpetrated by Japitty Cumquat.
The Hijacking of Jetstar Flight 4788
On Wednesday 16 March 2022, Japitty Cumquat attempted to hijack Jetstar Flight 4788. Cumquat had purchased a ticket to Hawaii on Jetstar, with the sole intention of hijacking the flight and redirecting it to Badu Park. He entered the airport at 10:00 AM and attempted to skip the security que. He was subsequently detained but was cleared due to the fact he had no luggage. He then went to a coffee stand and stole a plastic knife. He proceeded to walk around the International terminal for an hour (playing his national anthem). He also stole a snow globe and a souvenir boomerang. 10 minutes before the flight, he stole someone's backpack and emptied the contents. He proceeded to put the plastic knife and boomerang in the bag, he then taped the bag to the front of himself. He then walked to gate and pushed past other passengers, threw his ticket at the gate agent and boarded the plane. He sat in a business class seat (he booked economy). The flight took off at 1:20 PM. Many passengers recalled Japitty screaming during the takeoff. When the aircraft levelled out, Japitty unbuckled his seatbelt and went to the bathroom. He sat in there for 6 minutes, reportedly struggling to grip the knife because he covered his hands with butter from a complementary bread roll thinking it was hand sanitiser. He came out with the plastic knife in hand and walked into the economy cabin and screamed "Fuck You Obay Da Laww". He then jabbed a flight attendant with the knife who tried to help him back to his seat. He then rushed the cockpit door and yelled "let me in I am a dictator". Japitty was seen trying to break the reinforced cockpit door down with his fists. After seeing this, two flight attendants attempted to restrain him, he then coughed in both the flight attendants faces and yelled "Fuck You Obay Da Laww". After this, three passengers came to the aid of the aircraft crew and tackled cumquat to the ground. He was subsequently taped to a seat and the flight made an emergency landing back in Sydney. Upon landing, Japitty Cumquat was arrested but not after biting a fellow passenger. He escaped airport detention and walked back to Badu Park with the seat still taped to him. The seat was harvested for parts to repair the preexisting chair in Badu Park.
Carnival Miracle hijacking
Three days after Japitty's attempted hijacking of Jetstar Flight 4788, Japitty devised a new plan to hijack a cruise ship. His plan was to hijack a cruise ship and sail it up Johnston's Creek to Badu Park to show the passengers the tourism opportunities of Badu Park. His plan would involve him and his Presidential Guard. Cumquat and three members of his Presidential Guard booked a double-berthed cabin onboard Carnival Cruise Lines, Carnival Miracle up to Singapore. The three members of the Presidential Guard selected were openly opposed to the idea, but Japitty Cumquat had insisted he would pay them with real money if they went along. The Presidential Guard were to bring their Type 100 Submachine guns onboard. The plan came to fruition on Saturday 20 March 2022, when Cumquat and the three Presidential Guardsmen drove to the Sydney cruise terminal to board the ship. Upon entering the security que, Japitty Cumquat was automatically flagged by the security system due to his extensive criminal record. He was cleared but not after surrendering a whole raw salmon he had in his bag, as well as an unidentified number of modified deodorant cans he intended to use as IEDs. He and his Presidential Guard boarded the ship and went to their cabin immediately. For about two days, Japitty was seen enjoying the activities on the ship (under close supervision by ship staff). On the third day of the cruise, Cumquat and the Presidential Guard stormed the bridge of the ship in the early afternoon hours screaming "Fuck you obey the law!" (spelled Fuck You Obay da Laww in Badu Park Arabic). Japitty ordered his Presidential Guard to fire three warning shots. After seizing the bridge, Japitty proceeded to play his national anthem through the ships announcement system to the distress of everyone on the ship. During this performance many terrified members of the bridge crew made calls to the Australian government reporting "four men have hijacked the bridge, one insanely delusional and three armed". Japitty and his guard had hijacked the ship and were holding them hostage in Indonesian territorial waters. The Australian government alerted the Indonesian authorities, who quickly dispatched two Sukhoi Su-30s to investigate. Whilst this was happening, Japitty was giving a speech to everyone on the ship informing them that they were "under his presidency now". The Indonesian government also deployed a helicopter carrying members of the Kopassus to storm the ship. The Indonesian navy deployed the KRI Raden Eddy Martadinata (331) to facilitate the helicopter carrying the Kopassus. At 9:00 PM the Kopassus boarded the Carnival Miracle via helicopter. Japitty did not hear this because he was playing his national anthem very loud and stomping around. The Kopassus members quickly moved across the ship to the bridge and stormed it. At this point, the Presidential Guard had left Japitty on his own and the 'hostages' had escaped. Japitty was unarmed and seemingly unaware that his 'hostages' and the Presidential Guard had departed. The Kopassus quickly tackled cumquat to the ground and apprehended him. He was subsequently extradited to Australia but escaped police upon arriving back. The Carnival Miracle finished its journey to Singapore and Cumquat's Presidential Guard enjoyed a holiday whilst Japitty Cumquat was a fugitive.
Involvement in the 2022 Australian Elections
On 21 May 2022 the 2022 Australian election was held, with Japitty Cumquat declaring his candidacy on twitter. He stated that he was running for the seats of Badu Park (a fictional seat) and Grayndler. Soon after declaring his candidacy, his so called 'nemeses' Cheezit McDaniels also declared his intention to run for the seat of Grayndler. This infuriated Cumquat, who immediately released a statement on twitter saying 'Cheezit McDaniels is a liar and is misleading the voting public with his imperialist rhetoric'. There was no evidence or basis for this statement. Soon after 'calling out' Cheezit McDaniels, Cumquat created a promotional video, in which he forced Dick Smith to sing the song 'theres a hole in your bucket' and replacing the names of the characters with Scomo. He then put the song into iMovie and subsequently uploaded the song to youtube with accompanying visuals.The video received one dislike (from Cheezit McDaniels). After this Japitty began assaulting pedestrians and demanding they vote for him. This campaign ended in him being arrested. After being released he created a promotional poster with his campaign slogan 'your vote, your dictator'. He then proceeded to tape the poster to a street light in Sydney Park. Soon after Japitty put up his poster, Cheezit McDaniels hung his poster up under Japitty's, with his slogan 'Cheezit McDaniels, fuck you'. The next day Japitty Cumquat went to a voting station and voted for himself (despite not being registered as an official candidate), with Cheezit McDaniels voting 5 minutes after, for himself as well. During the span of the Australian elections, both Japitty and Cheezit failed to get over 2 votes each. Japitty Cumquat still considers the election a 'success for the Badu Park people'.
The Singapore Incident and Lifetime Ban from Southeast Asia
On 2 September 2022, Japitty Cumquat booked himself on a flight bound for Singapore on his way to attempt to assassinate his brother, Japery Cumquat (who lives on a small plot of overgrown land in Malaysia he dubbed Fadu Park) for the 3509th time. Upon arriving at the airport Japitty was immediately flagged by security as a massive security risk and was detained by counter terrorism police. He was questioned for an hour about his intentions going overseas and was asked to provided proof of identity, in which he handed over a crumpled up piece of paper with the words "Badu Parc Passsport" scribbled in red pen, with this somehow being seen as 'good enough'. He was allowed to go on the condition that he had to hand over his luggage for 'safe transportation to the aircraft'. The counter terrorism police promptly threw Japitty's bag into the bin. After this, Japitty was allowed to roam the terminal where he played his national anthem for an hour.
Japitty's flight was called to board soon after, with Japitty Cumquat being booked in the last row of economy (as per court order) onboard Singapore Airlines Flight 992. During boarding Japitty assaulted a gate agent after he told Japitty to get back in line for economy, after Japitty had jumped into the first class boarding lane. After this, Japitty bolted down the jet bridge and proceeded to try and 'do a manu' into the line of people waiting to board. This caused injuries with many bags being broken by people falling over. After that, Japitty barged into the plane, threw his ticket on the ground and sprinted to a first class seat where he wrested the seats occupant out of it while yelling 'this is mine', with Japitty managing to get the seat after kicking the man in the groin. Soon after this, a flight attendant told Japitty that he had to leave the plane and airport security was on its way, with Japitty responding by pulling out a can of homemade pepper spray and spraying flight attendants and first class passengers with it. Soon after this, airport security arrived and also got pepper sprayed by Japitty who was subsequently tackled to the ground by said airport security, with this leading to an all out brawl between Japitty, airport security, the flight attendants and some bystanders. After five minutes of yelling, pepper spraying, punching, kicking and spitting, Japitty was finally subdued after he was knocked unconscious by a fire extinguisher used as a bludgeon. After all was said and done, many left traumatised with three members of airport security quitting on the spot.
After this utter catastrophe of a boarding Japitty's unconscious body was dragged to his seat where he was taped down to it. The rest of the flight remained mostly peaceful until Japitty woke up and began to demand that he be fed. The captain of the aircraft refused to permit Japitty to be un-tied so flight attendants had to spoon-feed him. This seemed to upset Japitty who promptly spat out the food he was fed onto the staff-member feeding him and threw up in his seat neighbour's food. After the flight landed, Airport police in Singapore untied Japitty, who was promptly expelled from the plane. After leaving the plane, Japitty wandered around the airport terminal playing his national anthem and his BXDU PXRK ROXXSTAR mixtape (much to the anger and distress of everyone around him) while 'waiting for his carry ons'. Hours later Japitty became bored and fed up with waiting for his bag (it meant nothing to Japitty that he had no bags to begin with) and soon moved to clear security. After waiting in line for 5 minutes Japitty was called to the security station where he proceeded to insert his "passport" into the passport kiosk, much to the dismay of the border guard who promptly told Japitty that his passport was not legitimate. This sent Japitty into a fit of rage where he began to attack and verbally berate the kiosk until security was called and Japitty was apprehended. After this event Cumquat was questioned about his intentions in Singapore to which he stated: 'i have 5 metric tons of heroin shoved up my ass'. This quickly prompted security to call the police, who subsequently searched Japitty finding a brick (presumed to be used for killing Japery), his 2014 iPod touch and a small baggie of his Mega Coke XL. Japitty was soon arrested and taken to a police station where he was incarcerated for five days before appearing in court.
On 8 September Japitty stood trial in Singapori courts on charges of drug trafficking, passport fraud, conspiracy to murder, assault, assault of flight staff and failure to wear a mask in public. Japitty, however was confident that he would beat the charges once he called his lawyer, the venerable David Chinchilla, who he flew out to Singapore to represent him. David Chinchilla arrived at the court, and began to argue that Japitty was not actually in Singapore when the events happened and was actually in Zimbabwe doing charity work, however this did not seem to work so Chinchilla resorted to throwing a wrench at the judge and telling Japitty to run. Chinchilla and Cumquat soon bolted out of the court and called a taxi while running from police. As soon as the taxi arrived Japitty and David hijacked the car and made a b-line for the Malaysian border, in the process running over two police officers. The pair managed to get over the border by driving through a barricade into oncoming traffic. Police were unable to follow them after they crossed the border. After the two had made it into Malaysia they began to look for the quickest way to Kuala Lumpur so Japitty could fulfill his original objective of assassinating Japery. The pair arrived in Kuala Lumpur after speeding on the AH2 highway, where they proceeded to find Fadu Park and wait for Japery to leave. When Japery went to leave to get dinner 2 hours later Japitty sped out from curb and rammed Japery with the car mildly injuring him, with police being called soon after.
After failing to kill Japery, Japitty gave up trying to escape custody and handed himself into police. David and Japitty spent one week in a Malaysian jail, where David Chinchilla contracted foot fungus from poorly washed bedding. Chinchilla and Cumquat were deported, as the courts deemed it a 'waste of time' to prosecute him stating 'he will just do it again'. Japery was fined 50,000 Ringgit for 'attracting Japitty' and was told 'if you allow him to come again we will deport you back to Australia'. Japitty was also served a notice from ASEAN banning him from all member nations under the threat of immediate arrest. Japitty arrived back in Australia on the 15th where he walked back to Badu Park and 'slept off' his failed assassination attempt.
Japitty Cumquat is known to be a fan of the sport of Polo and has been seen watching games live. Japitty Cumquat's only known hobby is to collect shopping receipts and can be frequently seen bin diving for them.
Family & Friends
Japitty Cumquat's parents are named Daron 'Dazza' Cumquat and Sheryl Cumquat. His father was an Air Force pilot and his mother was a university teacher. He has one brother, Japery Cumquat. His only current friend is David Chinchilla, although throughout his earlier life, Japitty was supposedly friends with Cheezit McDaniels. Japitty was never married but has openly confessed to dating a carpet rug and a supermodel. Japitty Cumquat has a son named John Cumquat, who is a plant. Japitty says that John Cumquat is his son because he urinated where John Cumquat is growing. Japitty has a long lost brother called Japery Cumquat, who operates a passport forgery operation in the Free Dictatorship of Fadu Park, Malaysia. Japitty has made 145 attempts to contact Japery to rekindle their relationship, however Japery constantly demands money to continue his operation, and that has lead to severe conflict between the brothers. Japitty has since attempted to assassinate Japery 3508 times within the past decade, to no avail, as Japery lives in a well protected police station in Kuala Lumpur, as a witness in a murder case under witness protection, where Japitty killed 35 people crash landing a barely operational hang glider, attempting to bomb Fadu Park, in another assassination attempt. Japery is regarded as a heretic within Japittyism, and has adopted a cult following within Johnston's creek as a religious figure offering salvation in Fadu Park. Japery has reportedly converted to Japittyism, being indoctrinated by missionaries sent to Fadu Park in an attempt to reduce heresy in the region. Japitty has denied this accusation, dismissing it as a "rebellious farming uprising" although the issue is not related to farmers."
He is addicted to multiple drugs, including dirt from the ground. This addiction has greatly crippled his ability to lead.
Japitty Cumquat has no discernable ideology. Many political analysts have attempted to find out but all have come back with no results. The most accepted theory is that Japitty Cumquat believes in some sort of future national communist republicanism, but many reject this theory and state that he is not a communist more an authoritarian monarch. Japitty Cumquat has stated that his official ideology is Social David Chinchillerism. Almost all well known political analysts reject this saying that Cumquat is 'full of shit'.
Japitty Cumquat considers himself to be a world renowned author. He has written over 60 books (most are only one page, with almost illegible sentences). Some of his most 'popular' works include: 'My Plight: The formation of the Revolutionary State of Badu Parkian Cities and my Conquest of John Cumquats Room and the Weapons Diversion Incident of 2020', in this book (which is only 2 pages) he mostly details how he plans to defecate on the floor at Camperdown 7-11. The book is the manifesto of the Inner West Park Annexation Movement. He considered the work to be an equivalent of Mao's Red Book, and the Communist Manifesto. Another one of his 'popular' works is 'The Ethical, Natural, Medical and Religious Reasons why the Badu Park People created the People's Navy, and Sailor Bjorn's loyalty to Japitty's assault on Australia', within this book he mainly details how the dirt in Badu Park is brown and why wants to attack John Cumquat. A third work of his is "Japitty's Manifesto of Cooking" which is a cook book containing only two recipes, "Wet pasta" which is just uncooked pasta in a bowl of water, and "Baked beans and egg pizza". His works are usually well received in Badu Park, however in the majority of Australia his 'books' are universally despised. One of the most famous critique of his book 'The Ethical, Natural, Medical and Religious Reasons why the Badu Park People created the People's Navy, and Sailor Bjorn's loyalty to Japitty assault on Australia', was by Harvard McDonnell, in which McDonnell stated: 'you can barely read this garbage' and 'i hate it, it is an insult to authors everywhere'. Harvard McDonnell was subsequently attacked by Cumquat.
Military Awards (Self Given)
- Order of the President General Colonel
- Order of the Badu Reserve Bank
- Order of the High IQ Society of Badu Park (he has an IQ of 4)
- Order of the People (officially spelled as Pepole)
- Victoria Cross (Bought from a gift shop)
- Liberation Campaign Medal
- Award for biggest dickhead in Australia (Given to by NSW Police officer)
- Order for the Battle of the Annandale local IGA
- Badu Park Purple Heart
- Order of Animals Injured In Service
- Psychological Warfare Unit Ribbon
- Civil War Medal
- Cooks River Campaign Medal
- Liberation Day Participation Award
- Order of Special Powder Usage (diagnosis of Cocaine addiction by his doctor)
- Order of Dirt Usage (diagnosis of Dirt addiction by his doctor)
- Five Michelin Stars (Self Given)
Crimes Committed by Japitty Cumquat
Japitty Cumquat has been involved in various criminal activities. Most of the crimes perpetrated by Japitty Cumquat carry quite serious penalties, however Cumquat has not been persecuted for most of his crimes. The list bellow details Japitty Cumquat's extensive list of charges:
- Possession of drugs with intent to supply
- Attempted import of prohibited goods
- Theft by Fraud
- 16 counts of Theft
- Public defecation
- Air Piracy
- 18 counts of Assault
- Civil disobedience
- Domestic abuse
- Murder (of Aaron 'the shitass' Chair, former leader of the Johnston's Creek Liberation Army)
- 2 counts of attempted murder
- Reckless endangerment
- Criminal Disregard of Hygiene Standards
List of locations Japitty is banned from
Due to Japitty's aggressive nature and extensive criminal record he has been banned from these locations:
- Newtown Sushi Train
- All Subway locations in the NSW state
- Sydney Kingsford Smith International Airport
- Camperdown 7-11
- Annandale local Supabarn
- Annandale local IGA
- Parramatta Road