Japittyism
| Japittyism | |
|---|---|
 Logo | |
| Abbreviation | JR |
| Type | Monotheistic Religion |
| Classification | Japittyism, Socialist Religious Movement |
| Orientation | Japittyism |
| Scripture | Holy Codex of Japitty Cumquat |
| Theology | Japittyism |
| Polity | Hierarchical |
| Leader | Pastor Joel Evans (2020-2021) Reverend George Lachman (2021-Present) |
| Primary Organisation | Orthodox Rite |
| Offshoot Cult | Badu Park Fraternity of Religion |
| Region | Inner West |
| Headquarters | Temple of Japitty |
| Founder | Pastor Joel Evans |
| Origin | 2020 Badu Park Chair |
| Congregations | 5 |
| Members | 24 |
| Priests | 4 |
| Church buildings | 3 |
| Tertiary institutions | Badu Park University of Theology and Cooking |
| Other name(s) | Japittyist Religion, Religion of Japitty, Cumquatism, Church of Japitty, Cathedral of Japittyism, Followers of Japitty |
| Publications | Japittyism Weekly Newsletter |
The Japittyist Religion, Cumquatism, Church of Japitty or simply Japittyism is a monotheistic socialist religion that developed in Badu Park in 2020. The religion was founded by Pastor Joel Evans in an apartment in Annandale dubbed "the Temple of Japitty". Pastor Joel Evans was a devoted follower of Japitty and regularly held protests vying for Badu Parkian independence, eventually elevating his idolisation of Japitty to one of religious significance. Japittyism combines religious worship of Japitty Cumquat and Badu Park nationalism with a loose adaptation of communist ideology. The group has a primary organisation called the "Orthodox Rite" which is the accepted canon of the religion, however a splinter group known as the Badu Park Fraternity of Religion developed in the Badu Park University of Theology and Cooking, which boasts a more extreme interpretation of the religion. This extremist interpretation gave rise to a fanatical militant movement within the Badu Park Municipal People's Army called the Dick Smith Holy Warfare Brigade.
History
Joel Evans was a dedicated communist living in Annandale who was displeased with the current Commonwealth of Australia, and believed in staging a communist revolution in Australia. He soon discovered the micronation of Badu Park, and was immediately captivated by Japitty's ideology. Joel approached Japitty, requesting citizenship, however he was punched in the face for illegally crossing Badu Parkian borders. Joel received citizenship soon after. His idolisation of Japitty became not only political, but religious as well, and on 12 November 2020, the Church of Japitty was established, with Joel proclaiming himself head Pastor.
Pastor Joel Evans soon gathered a following, however Japitty Cumquat vocally opposed any religion associated with Badu Park, refusing to adopt it as the state religion. Japittyism grew in numbers and by August of 2021, the church had grown to 21 followers, one of which was the highly narcissistic George Lachman. Joel ordained extremely devoted members as priests, allowing them to "preach the good word of Japitty Cumquat". George Lachman insisted that Pastor Joel ordain him as a priest, however Joel refused, as George was quick tempered and lacked necessary foundational religious knowledge in order to preach, however after receiving a death threat from Lachman, Pastor Evans reluctantly instated George as a priest. Lachman would continuously insist that Evans give his role as leader to George, but each time, Evans refused. On 15 September 2021 George again asked Joel to give him leadership of the church, and was again refused, and eventually, George became impatient and murdered Evans.
Death of Joel Evans
On 15 September 2021, George Lachman murdered Joel Evans over a disagreement of leadership of the church. Joel was shot in the head by Lachman, and was buried in Douglas Grant Park. The resulting power gap was intended to be filled by a vote from the priests, however George threatened to kill the priests if they voted against him, and George assumed power, adopting the title "Reverend George Lachman". Lachman has since been in control, and has significantly strengthened regulations, giving significantly less power to the followers. Reverend George knows almost nothing about the theology of Japittyism, however he maintains uncontested power over the canonization of religious concepts.
Development of Badu Park II
Badu Park II was established by George Lachman after police repeatedly raided religious buildings in the Inner West, and Lachman received criticism for running a cult, eventually he decided to move the religion out of the Inner West and into its own private community, developing a pariah status, excluding itself from the outside world. The members of the religion were highly encouraged to travel to the new location, in the north of the Nepan National Park. The enclave has a myriad of tents, caravans and cabins, with the most lavish cabin belonging to Lachman himself, being a 2 storey, lavishly furnished log cabin. The town also possesses a temple. The remaining religious buildings in the Inner West are currently managed by priests, and maintain a large congregation of less devout members. The Badu Park Fraternity of Religion also has members who live in the enclave, although most members are orthodox, and many minor conflicts occur between orthodox believers and suspected fraternity members, some have resulted in minor injuries. Members of the Badu Park Fraternity of Religion are officially banned from visiting or residing in the enclave, however approximately 6 members live on the property. Lachman has since ordered a heretic purge on the property, attempting to seek out fraternity members and force them off the property, yielding limited results, finding only one man who they believed to be in the fraternity after he was found with fraternity literature in his cabin. He was forcefully removed from the property and has since returned to the Inner West, where he attends local congregations.
Scriptures
Japittyism, like other religions, has a 'holy' text to some extent. The book in question is called the Holy Codex of Japitty Cumquat, and it is a collection of "Lordly testaments of Japitty Cumquat". The work mainly consists of transcriptions of Japitty's testimonies in courts for various crimes that he committed. The book is regarded as the 'most divine work of writing in existence' by followers of the religion but is regarded by many others as "utter trash". Famous critic of the religion and journalist, Marvin Ass once stated: "The book is just downright offensive, not only is it inconsistent and poorly written, it also encourages the worship of criminally insane terrorist. In my opinion the book should be made illegal and the authors should be jailed, it is just so bad. It makes a mockery of legitimate religion". In response to this critique, members of the Dick Smith Holy Warfare Brigade shot and killed Marvin Ass as he was interviewing a local greens member.
There are only two known physical copies in existence, with one being held by the Xahastan Ministry of Information (seized during a raid on the Dick Smith Holy Warfare Brigade) and the other by George Lachman. During congregations, photocopies of specific pages are distributed to followers so they may read along during preaching and prayers, however they are collected and destroyed at the end of each service to avoid third party distribution and members compiling personal copies of the book using the fragments. Members have been know to smuggle copies out, and considering that these pages are undocumented, it is not known how many photocopied pages exist outside of the church and in circulation. The Badu Park Fraternity of Religion may also possess a partial or complete copy of the codex, most likely keeping it at their safe house. However, the exact location of the fraternity's safe house is unknown and therefore this claim cannot be verified.
Beliefs
The core belief in Japittyism is the worship of Japitty Cumquat as a god. It is believed that aliens brought Japitty to earth as a prophet, and his words must be followed exactly, with no exceptions. This belief has led many followers of Japittyism to severely injure themselves after attempting to rush the borders of the Republic of Xahastan and the Empire of Douglas Grant Park after Japitty 'called out' these nations on twitter. Another core belief in Japittyism is that the area that comprises the Inner West is the 'Holy Land' and that Japitty is destine to create and rule a large 'caliphate' in this area and wipe out all other micronations in the area and convert them to Japittyism. There is also a sect of the religion, known as the Badu Park Fraternity of Religion, that believes that the town of Katoomba is also a part of the holy land, however George Lachman insists that Katoomba is not canonized as a part of the so called 'Holy Land'. This disagreement has led to some infighting between members of the Japittyist Religion, mainly between the Badu Park Fraternity of Religion and it's military constituent the Dick Smith Holy Warfare Brigade (who believe that Katoomba is part of the holy land), and the Orthodox Rite, which is the accepted canonized rite of the Church of Japitty, led by George Lachman. While this disagreement has been largely civil debates between members of each organisation, there have been examples of escalation in the conflict, typically with members of the Badu Park Fraternity of Religion vandalising property of the Orthodox Rite, most notably the Temple of Japitty, which is the largest of the organisations' churches. THe most extreme example of this escalation is the violent clashes in the streets between members of each organisation. At least one member of the Church of Japitty was killed during the infighting.
Japittyist Pantheon
Japittyism has adopted a pagan-like pantheon structure and worships many gods. Unlike most religions, Japittyism does not have any doctrine regarding creation, and instead accepts scientific explanation for metaphysical inquiry.
Prophet Japitty Cumquat
Japitty Cumquat, referred to as 'Japitty, the unwilling', is the most important deity in the Japittyist Pantheon. According to traditional doctrine, Japitty was sent to earth by aliens to rule the Holy Land via his "caliphate". The caliphate is not related to Islam, or the Islamic concept of the Caliph. He is regarded as the embodiment of everything good and prosperous with the power to prevent death. He is ritualistically worshipped by all members of the Japittyist Religion.
'Translator' Dick Smith
Dick Smith (Chief Pilot of the Air Force) is also regarded as a deity by some members of Japittyist Religion, mainly the Badu Park Fraternity of Religion. He is regarded as the 'translator' of Japitty Cumquats holy dictations with the ability to fly at will (he is the equivalent to Mohammed in Islam) Dick Smith has repeatedly denied being a religious deity and has also publicly denounced Japittyism. In response the followers of the Japittyist Religion have dubbed Dick Smith as 'Dick smith the denouncer lord of Japitty, the unwilling'.
Zaeh'an
Zaeh'an is the ruler of the alien race that sent Japitty Cumquat to earth, and is the closest thing to a creator god. The church believes that Zaeh'an lives on the planet Jupiter.
Demon Cheezit McDaniels
Cheezit McDaniels is regarded in Japittyist Pantheon as the equivalent to Satan in Christianity and Shaytaan in Islam. He is believed to be the 'Anti-Japitty' and the 'defiler of good'. They believe that he takes the souls of Japitty believers after death, who have 'sinned' (not patronised the Annandale IGA) and sends them to Venus (regarded as hell in Japittyism) where they are forced to watch a child's documentary on precipitation. They also believe that Japitty and Cheezit will have an ultimate battle for good and evil (play connect 4 on the grounds of the Katoomba Police Station) in which Japitty will win and Cheezit will be banished to Superbarn.
Big Lizard
Big Lizard is a lizard that Japitty owned in outer space when he was with the aliens. Big Lizard is a symbol of good fortune and is worshipped by many as a deity for prosperity and commerce. While he is called Big Lizard, it is unverifiable whether he was of a large size.
Egg Man
Egg Man is a sentient egg creature that has no bearing on religious concepts at all. He does absolutely nothing and is useless in the Japittyist Pantheon. He is also the cousin of Big Lizard.
Wet Pasta
While Wet Pasta isn't a deity, it is respected as holy food, as it was supposedly the food eaten by the aliens, and Japitty Cumquat brought the holy food to earth, as it is an extremely healthy meal.
Holidays and Festivals
 | This article contains profanity or other material which may be considered offensive. |
The Descent of Japitty Cumquat
The "Descent" of Japitty Cumquat is a religious festival that is not officially recognised by the government of Badu Park, and is prohibited under the threat of public prostate exam. This is classed as suppression of religion by Badu Park's opposition, Cheezit McDaniels, despite Cheezit McDaniels banning religion himself as a part of his "Nuclear Worship Program." The holiday entails praying at the Katoomba Railway Station, where Japitty was born. The holiday marks the day that the Aliens "sent Japitty to Earth, to establish the epic caliphate of the Inner West." This is disputed by Japitty, who claims "aliens are dumb" and the holiday is "a hodgepodge of shit and piss in a plastic cup." This has resulted in the Japittyist religion publicly denouncing plastic cups. The more extreme believers have attempted to assassinate themselves, or more ridiculously, "assassinate" the holiday itself, which is just a refusal to take part. This has been labeled as secular insurrection and is regularly suppressed with violence by the church's security detail. Other religious events include praying at church, as well as listening to Reverend George Lachman play the national anthem on the church's pipe organ, with many reports stating that his rendition is terrible, which has resulted in the church banning music critics from attending sermons. More secular events occur on the day as well, with gift giving being extremely unpopular, yet encouraged. Popular gifts include razor blades, loose bits of news paper, and expired cleaning products, preferably from before 1980. Plastic cups are a "no go" for gift giving according to "Destination Badu Park" a blog made by the Badu Park Ministry of Information posing as enthusiastic tourists. This advice has been ignored by the Dick Smith Holy Warfare Brigade, who regularly gift plastic cups to members of the Orthodox Rite, causing deep and often irreversible stress. This is an attempt at "psychological warfare", however many outside observers consider it a harmless prank deeply misunderstood by deeply religious Badu Parkians, stemming from university "prank culture". George Lachman has labelled gifting plastic cups as a form of heresy, punishable by aggressive door to door taxation pitches. Plastic cups have adopted an "unholy reputation" according to Destination Badu Park. Until recently, the Temple of Japitty featured a stain glass window of a plastic cup in the hands of Japitty after he threw a red solo cup at a church member asking for a blessing. The plastic cup was revered as a symbol of blessing, however after the decanonisation of the plastic cup symbol, the stain glass window was destroyed with C4 explosives, despite vocal opposition from the Badu Park Fraternity of Religion, who still regard plastic cups as symbols of Japitty's blessing. The Badu Park Municipal Government encourages the secular aspect of the holiday, however violently opposing religious interpretations. This is because Japitty Cumquat is attempting to encourage "secularisation" which will silently collapse the theological aspects of religion.
Feastivalo Number Blue
Feastivalo Number Blue is a religious festival over the course of 38 days. It has no set date, but occurs whenever Japitty Cumquat "instructs it" by forcefully taxing Dick Smith. The name stems from Japitty's inability to count, as he uses shapes and colours instead of numbers. Scholars have deciphered that "triangle" is one. Nothing else has been deciphered. The word "Feastivalo" is derived from the word "italian", somehow. It is a Badu Parkian Arabic word that very loosely translates to festival. It has no exact english translation, but the closest literal translation is "day at which Japitty is to be celebrated in the most holy of manners". The exact translation of "Feastivalo Number Blue" is "day at which Japitty is to be celebrated in the most holy of manners, specifically, the celebration type that is attributed to the number blue.org" It is a URL that has been taken down by a Badu Park Ministry of Information Religious Suppression Mission. The actual festival is a 38 day pilgrimage around the entirety of the Inner West, specifically, a "number blue" amount of times. Scholars are attempting to witness the pilgrimage, specifically to count the number of times the pilgrims circulate the pilgrimage route, to dichipher what integer "number blue" refers to, although they have faced difficulty as the vast majority of pilgrims don't actually walk the entire route, instead only partially partaking, usually due to the intensity of the entire walk. Approximately 3 people have died on the pilgrimage, being hit by cars as it is unholy to stop walking, and also unholy to walk on the footpath, and therefore roads must be used. The route is mapped within a tapestry at the Temple of Japitty, but has not been found. There is no photographical evidence of the pilgrimage, only first hand accounts. It is unknown how many pilgrims have died, considering there is no discernible difference between a typical pilgrim and a normal person, although a group of pilgrims, known as the "Order of the Number Blue" are discernible via their purple cloaks and straw hats they wear. No one has died of hunger or disease, because the Temple has instructed pilgrims to eat provided "slop", a grainy cereal including leather for protein, when which mixed with water creates a substance of porridge like consistency. Pilgrims have also been instructed to eat infrastructure, such as roads and street signs, causing mass amounts of tooth damage. The festival's religious purpose is unknown, however it most likely worships Egg Man, as a symbol of his uselessness. Partaking in Feastivalo Number Blue is regarded as "the dumbest thing you could ever do." according to Japitty Cumquat, also stating "it is a war crime to partake in the pilgrimage." It has since been banned and is punishable by strict restriction of access to dental care, to bully members for eating pavement and destroying their teeth. Dick Smith openly encourages the celebration of Feastivalo Number Blue, citing the emotional damage it causes Japitty Cumquat as "amusing" although he restricts entering Badu Park for the safety of participants.
Order of the Number Blue
The Order of the Number Blue is a sect within Japittyism in which its members partake in every Feastivalo Number Blue, without fail. They are known for their recognisable purple cloaks as a symbol of the order, as well as their straw hats, which serve a more functional purpose of evading sunburn, as pilgrims are known to get horrific sunburns while partaking in the pilgrimage. The Order's members are essentially professional pilgrims, and are extremely devout orthodox Japittyists. Members of the Badu Park Fraternity of Religion are banned from the order because of its strict adherence to orthodox canon. Members are known to walk the entire route of the pilgrimage, while the majority of pilgrims only walk sections of the route.
Opposition to Performance Magic
Japittyism strongly opposes any form of performance magic, siting magicians as "Earthly Druids" or "Readily Available Demons" who are denounced as demonic. This stems from Japitty Cumquat's hatred of magic, as he struggles to comprehend that there is a method to a trick that he can't understand, and therefore is left with the assumption that the performer is demonic. This extends to the religion, where anyone capable of even a basic magic trick is regarded as an "Earthly Druid" and is excommunicated.